Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

Jacobsen Win is a Victory for The First Tee of Portland

On February 23 and 24^th in Kaanapali, Hawaii Peter Jacobsen and Fuzzy Zoeller rallied to win the Wendy’s Champion Skins Game, winning six skins and $320,000 in alternate shot play to beat defending champions Jack Nicklaus and Tom Watson. It was the second appearance for both Jacobsen and Zoeller and their first as a team.

It was a nice win for Jacobsen and Zoeller, but the real winner was The First Tee of Portland who this week received a $16,000 contribution from Peter Jacobsen as his designated charity for the event. Each player agrees to donate five percent of their winnings to the David Thomas Foundation for Adoption, and another five percent to the charity of their choice.

Jacobsen’s gift comes at a good time for The First Tee of Portland as they start spring clinics, after school programs, and the summer golf program at Heron Lakes Golf Course in North Portland. The money will be used in the organization’s outreach to inner city and minority participants. The First Tee provides year-round instruction by PGA Professionals and experienced volunteer instructors. Equipment and lessons are provided at little or no cost to each participant. Golf equipment and supplies are obtained through donations.

Quincy Heard, executive director of The First Tee of Portland credits program graduate Anna Jenks with securing the donation from Jacobsen during time she spent talking with him earlier in the year when she was a player at the Wal-Mart First Tee Open in Pebble Beach. Jenks, from Battleground, Washington, is a Senior at Prairie High who began golfing at age 10 and started with The First Tee program in 2003. An article from the Winter Issue of GolferGirl magazine is attached for additional information on Jenks’ trip to Pebble Beach.

The First Tee® of Portland (http://www.pyga.org/) is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization that began in 1994 as the Portland Youth Golf Association (PYGA). Our mission: to impact the lives of young people by providing educational and mentoring programs that incorporate life skills, character development, family values, and personal growth through the game of golf. Since its inception, PYGA has introduced the game of golf and its values to over 10,000 participants in the Portland metropolitan area.